Guys Who Should Not Be the Next Bachelor

Sorry that these posts have been so lackluster lately. I guess I've just been pretty content with life and have had nothing to angst about (rare, I assure you). This is great for me, but not so great for my 1 1/2 avid readers. (Don't ask how you can have half a reader, just go with it, this is my blog). I have to thank a friend and fellow blogger of mine for the inspiration for this post. Go check her out, she is far more clever than I could hope to be! Anyway, she introduced me to a gem of a website called themansguidetolove.com. Naturally, with a title this catchy, I had to check it out.

This site features little video tidbits of men. The first four men -- winners. They are all over the age of 30 and are apparently experts in the love game.

Guy 1: Jorda (first of all what kind of a name is this? icelandic?)

His advice is good - "tell a woman she is beautiful." Ok great, I'll give him credit for that one... even if it is the oldest trick in the book. Also, I hope Jorda isn't expecting the favor to be returned. The 80's called, they wants their hairdo back. Oh, and of course the soul patch is always in.

Guy 2: Tim

Keep things slow... so that you can figure out the person is PSYCHO before you get in too deep and they rob you to pay for their heroine habit and stab you. Or you could just end up with a train wreck like Vienna Girardi. Makes you wonder if this guy has had first hand experience when he starts listing off different "problem traits." Should've listened to Tim, Jake. Just don't imitate his fashion sense. I mean, as if the baseball cap with killer flames running down the brim wasn't classy enough, Tim also rocks an Affliction t-shirt. Way to go, bro.

Guy 3: James

Sex. Does it come as a surprise that it's the third guy in and he wants to talk about doin' the dirty? Nope. This guy's advice? Communication. Normally a guy preaching communication would be God's gift to women. This guy thinks that lack of communication leads to problems in other areas, which is true. However, seems like if you're needing to have an epic discussion while in the middle of some other stuff... there might be a few more problems than just your lack of communication. Moving on.

Guy 4: Chris

I take it back, this guy is 25. He also is sitting shirtless on a street holding a "fishing pole" that has a sign hanging from it that says "fishing for beer and pot." He also has huge hoop/gauge earrings on that look like the weigh half a pound each. Now, maybe it's because I'm not from Austin, but I don't really think this guy is the expert on love, women, or anything else in life. Call me a snob, but I feel like if love ranks behind beer and pot on this guy's list of life goals, then maybe he's not exactly a well of wisdom.

Granted I didn't watch all of the testimonials on here, and maybe some of these guys did not just crawl out from under a Hooters, but I don't think I'd be taking any of these "love gurus" seriously. Especially since most of the advice for guys out there is more along the lines of this other site, which gives tips on how to be a playa. (Playa as in thug speech for player. Not spanish for beach. Vocab lesson for the day. You're welcome. )

This is advice from a guy named "Wood." Creative.

"3 days. Christ came back after 3 days for a reason. To teach us the 3 day rule. Once you hit three days call her up. Be ready for her to answer. When she does remember that you're calling her up to set up a date not to talk. Talking is for chicks and AFC's or girlfriends. Start off by asking how her past few days have been. Show some interest and then go in for the kill. Try not to let her pick the day, but its not the biggest deal if she does. Your best fatality move here is just telling her to come out with you on lets say Friday. Tell her 9 pm Friday, I know this great place. This kind of assertiveness is a weapon of mass destruction. After you set it up wrap up the conversation and tell her you'll see her soon. As for voicemails and texts...don't do it. DON'T DO IT."

winner. I'm glad this guy is using strategies and words he learned playing Call of Duty in his mom's basement like fatality and weapons of mass destruction to plan on getting girls. Congratulations, Private, you have completed your mission -- to become a total and complete jackass. Also this guy could use some serious grammar help. I can't explain how much I want to go back and punctuate this properly.

Now, I'm not saying this to be some sort of feminazi. I don't hate men, and while I think He's Just Not That Into You is one of the greatest movies ever and I need to read the book, I also know there are plenty of great guys out there. They just happen to be smart enough not to post jerky comments on websites like this or do cheesy interviews. This is merely for the purpose of amusement and maybe some good natured head shaking. Silly boys, games are for girls. Trying all the ninja mind tricks will just confuse you and make us mad. See Dane Cook: Brain Ninjas.

Cheers!